The New Prosperity Gospel Hymnal

A Twitter exchange today led me into a strange daydream, which follows (I thought that it was about time to inject a little more humor into the current StrangeFire tensions):

Seeing that the prosperity gospel movement is one giant untapped market in the area of specifically targeted worship music, Zondervan is releasing a new hymnal to capitalize on that market.

The hymnal will naturally have gold leaf pages covered in gold leaf collected from various Holy Spirit golden dental manifestation , Holy Spirit miracle gold dust manifestations and Holy Spirit anointed dandruff outpourings, will be leather bound in leather made from the ashes of a red heifer, and will smell of smoke since each copy will be taken to the grave of 7 dead prosperity preachers for acquiring an anointing that will be tested by a trip to Hell itself; only hymnals that result in conversion of at least one damned sinner will pass the final quality check inspection.

Here’s the working cover: when the congregation all holds up the hymnal to sing, from the pulpit it will already look like the congregation is “full of new wine”, which may hasten the Spirit’s outpouring in services by up to 77.6%, according to initial research conducted by the Shaka Baba Research Forum.

Spirit Hymnal

As for the content, all your favorite hymns have been re-written by a council of apostles to give them new, prosperity gospel lyrics!

Consider this new classic:

#67 – Standing on the Debit Card of God (tune)

Standing on the debit card of God my King,
Using the atonement to acquire his bling,
Need a private jet to guard my a-noint-ing,
Standing on the debit card of God!

Standing, Standing, Standing on the debit card of God my savior!
Standing, Standing,
I’m standing on the debit card of God!

Claiming words from God that are a total hoax,
Proving all my sermon points with skits and jokes,
Weirdos in my church smoke Holy Spirit tokes,
Standing on the debit card of God!

Run around and claim that I can heal blind eyes,
When dead bodies touch me they come back to life,
Only works in Africa, I don’t know why,
Standing on the debit card of God!

Here’s another one that’s destined to be a sore-elbow healing, wallet-thickening favorite!

#281 – Showers of Blessing (tune)

There shall be showers of blessing,
This is not cause for alarm!
There shall be new wine refreshing,
Our church will sound like a farm!

Showers of blessing,
Showers of blessing we need.
Other folks waste time with preaching,
But Lord, we all want gold teeth!

There shall be showers of blessing,
New revelation, don’t bash!
Prophecies tested by guessing,
Most which we steal and rehash!

There shall be showers of blessing,
Worshipers making a scene!
Worship is for self-expressing,
Grab your flag and tambourine!

There shall be showers of blessing,
God wants us all to be rich!
This truth, the Spirit is impressing,
Proof is when we fall and twitch!

There shall be showers of blessing,
Hear what the Spirit doth saith!
God’s will is that you be healthy,
If you’re sick, you must lack faith!

A “first fruits” hymnal can be purchased from Zondervan for a simple “seed-offering” of $99, or you can buy “harvest” of 20 hymnals for a “crop-offering” of $2,500.  Order now and get a free “Heavenly Potholder”, colored by authentic “Holy Spirit Gold Dust”, that can soak up Holy Spirit fire (while protecting you from divine burns like Nadab and Abihu received) and then be used to transfer that anointed heat to 100+ people, even over Skype!

cross_pot_holder_799_each

Until Next Time,

Lyndon “If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at TBN” Unger

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